I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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