The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
