I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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