I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
