So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
