I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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