I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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