My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
