Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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