You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
