Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
