Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
