I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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