Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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