i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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