Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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