Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
