I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
