Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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