and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
