She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
