So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
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The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
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I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.