i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
A+ Viking dick
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize