I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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