Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
