I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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