He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
