like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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