Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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