this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
