I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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