I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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