I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
