I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
