please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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