I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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