I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
