You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
