I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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