i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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