You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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