he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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