I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
