She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Is it penis luge time yet?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
