I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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