dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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