Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
