My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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