my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
