Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
