I'm gonna have a badass scar
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
