i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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