Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
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