seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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