I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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