make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Your cock deserves a montage
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
