get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
No stitches, just platelets and will power
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
