Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
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way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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