good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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