evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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