you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
