how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
